AFTERPARTY III: Never Have I Ever Been Quite This Drunk

[mirrite]

[There's absolutely nothing celebratory about this drinking party. "Party" isn't even the right word, not really-- it's more like a "drink until you forget and/or black out" session for anyone who wants to participate, and even the bartender isn't immune from that much. Please forgive him if your drink isn't mixed quite right; he's trying his best under the circumstances.

There's food, too, if anyone wants to attempt to stave off a hangover tomorrow, or just get something in their stomach after the events of the day: stirfry from Makoto, vegetable soup from Nageki (mediocre, but hey, a genuine effort was made and that's what counts), and some tea for those who would rather abstain from the harder stuff. (Is that even many people tonight? Probably not.)

Come on by the bar if you're hungry or want a drink, or even if you just don't want to be alone right now. That much, at least, is something that can be guaranteed tonight.]

Comments

[biqe]

I wonder now if...

[ He pauses, then starts over. ]

That first week, I was certain that she could have done it. But she didn't, and she seemed so hurt by the suspicion, and I was so horrified by the thought that I could have gotten her killed... I made a conscious decision to trust her after that, so I wouldn't hurt her again.

Last week... the possibility crossed my mind again. I thought that Gin's killer must have been someone who was familiar with anatomy to be able to hit the vital points with only a vague outline to go on, and I thought back to her profile again — acupuncture and blades. But I'd promised that I wouldn't suspect her again without solid evidence, and she really didn't seem like someone who'd come up with a plan like that, so I pushed that thought aside.

If I'd actually voiced that possibility last week... maybe I wouldn't have put Yeager in danger, and maybe we wouldn't have done what we did to SQ.

[gemuinemanagement]

It probably doesn't help to hear this but
You weren't the only person who thought she wasn't smart enough for that

[Like, he feels bad speaking ill of the dead even if they killed people, but also: it's Yor.]

I think
She probably really was hurt that first week
I don't think her caring about young people was an act

[biqe]

No, I'm sure she was. And I don't feel vindicated for my suspicions or anything like that. I don't... I don't feel like most of what she did was an act.

...But clearly my judgment isn't the best, so who knows.

[gemuinemanagement]

For what it's worth
I think that us turning on each other would make Hamelin too happy
So I'm going to continue caring about people and trusting them
Out of spite

[biqe]

[ There's a pause, and then a slight chuckle at that. ]

Well, that's one way to do it, I suppose.

[ It seems likely that Suga will just hurt himself even more in the long run, but... maybe if one were to attempt to put an optimistic spin on it, they could say that it seems unlikely that there could be another bombshell that would hurt as much as this one.

...Phil isn't much for optimistic spins though, and he's pretty sure that if Hamelin isn't seeing the conflict he wants, he'll find a way to make it. He's just not going to say so now. ]

[gemuinemanagement]

[This still isn't as bad as C-ta, it'll be fine.]

Spite is a great motivator
Even when it's hard to feel hopeful
I can definitely do spite

[biqe]

Haha... I've never really been any good at it myself. I know a lot of our comrades back home would agree wholeheartedly, though.

[gemuinemanagement]

You're too nice to be here

[And coming from Suga, that's saying something.]

[biqe]

...No, I'm really not. I probably have as much hatred as anyone; I just expend so much of it on myself that I'm not able to spare much for anyone else.

[gemuinemanagement]

[That's not good! Don't say things like that so easily!

Suga reaches over and lightly pulls at Phillip's cheeks. Stop That.]

[biqe]

[ Gently touching his hand with an apologetic half-smile— ]

I appreciate that you have so much faith in me. But frankly, I'd be surprised if there was anyone here who brought more suffering to their world than I did.

Marcus is the one who shouldn't be here. Anything he did to qualify himself for this in Hamelin's eyes he only did because of me in the first place.

[gemuinemanagement]

You didn't mean to
I've been told recently that that matters
When blaming yourself for things

[If he can't get away with it, neither should you.]

[biqe]

That does matter in most cases, but it's not— you don't know that was always the case with me. And when the damage you do is on a large enough scale, there's a point where intentions don't make much of a difference.

[gemuinemanagement]

[...]

I haven't hurt the whole world, just the people I care about
So I don't know exactly what it's like
But I know hating yourself doesn't help anyone else

[biqe]

...No. It can only help so far as being a driving factor that pushes you into action to make amends.

[gemuinemanagement]

But if you're already doing that
What's the use of piling on more guilt?

[biqe]

To make sure I keep doing it and don't run away again because things are hard.

And‐ and I know this isn't a use, and it isn't actually helping anything, but until everyone is free from the pain I helped to inflict on them, I shouldn't be without it either.

[gemuinemanagement]

I'm starting to realize why Marcus is so good at talking to me

[the reflection of the self in the other (derogatory)]

[biqe]

He does have twenty years of experience with that type, after all.

[ Oh, he's been aware of the similarities between the two of them ever since he saw Suga's profile. ]

[gemuinemanagement]

Well
I promised Marcus that I'd look out for you
So you're just going to have to deal with that

[Fuss, worry, etc.]

[biqe]

...Thank you. I'll try to look out for you too, as best I can.

[gemuinemanagement]

It's a deal

[And maybe it'll go better than the other alliance he made here?]