onceuponacomm | the final afterparty

[ It doesn't change their situation, really.

He's not sure if he can call it satisfying, but ... it was something that happened and it's not something he can take back. The other has his wrist in that grip of his which feels like steel, and when he says those words... he'll blink, flickering his gaze from the hand back to his face. ]

I'm not sure if I can claim I ever could in the first place.

[ He'll try to pull his hand away, though. ]

[ McGillis doesn't let go, at least not at the initial tug. Maybe coming inside his room at the dead of the night has been a bad idea after all, because he really does have a lot less filter right now than he would ordinarily and there is a lot of darkness inside of him that has been unearthed just today.

But the moment passes and then his grip grows gentler and Huaisang will have an easy enough time taking his hand back. ]

What do you mean?

[ For a second when McGillis hadn't, Huaisang's movement froze, expression unreadable. But upon feeling the grip slack, he pulls his hand back just a bit, and he'll allow a weariness to come to mask his confusion well.

It is without a doubt McGillis is the type to toss people to the side, but he's still his own person. He's not ... ]

...I don't know.

[ He can feel himself retreat a little. But, his hand will lightly touch his own wrist.

He can choose to make a clean break right now, if he wants. He almost did. It'd make it easier, make it feel less complicated. But is it what he wants? He doesn't know. But he can find out, even if feels like agony to be truly honest.

However, if he knows, he will be ever the more certain where they stand. And where he can go from there. So he allows a lengthy pause, mentally preparing himself for each outcome he can think of, before he continues. ]

I just said that without thinking. I...really hate the idea of anyone trying to decide anything for me. I also can't say I ever thought I had control over anyone's actions or fate. But despite everything, I don't want this to end as it is.

Even if I can't forget about what happened. I'm not expecting an apology from you, and I've no regrets about what I did a second ago. But, even if there are many situations and things I can pretend my own way through... I can't just pretend that in the end every single moment we spent meant nothing. Can you?

I can.

[ He doesn't miss a beat there. ]

But pretending won't really make it true.

[ He knows from experience. The self inflicted wound of discarding Gaelio has never healed up properly. McGillis didn't want it to, he wanted that sweet sorrow to motivate him and yet... even if he'd tried to truly move past it, could he have? Maybe not. ]

I wasn't lying about enjoying our time together. If I'd simply wanted to take advantage of your feelings, I could have been a lot more thorough.

[ There's a small pause as he listens to him say so, ascertaining his answers. Though it is true McGillis had still been pretending on some level about things, he always did have a knack for not holding back in what he said at times. ]

That's certainly true, as I'm sure that would've been rather easy. I think...I would've hated that far more; dealing with that just once is enough as it is.

[ Another moment passes, where he's in deep consideration. ]

There's something else I want to say, before I leave. But first, can you please humor me and hold out your hand?

[ He'll tentatively reach out with both of his hands to McGillis'—the one that had gripped his wrist earlier—if he does say yes. ]

[ 'Just once', huh? Normally McGillis would ask, but trying to learn more about Huaisang's past in a situation like this seems like a transgression. Maybe later, maybe if it doesn't all fall apart right here... but it will, McGillis is certain of it.

He's made his peace with that weeks ago, that this would be a temporary dynamic, and that's just as well. He doesn't have friends, he certainly doesn't have more than friends.

And that leaves him at a bit of a loss as to what Huaisang is asking for, but... alright? Presumably Huaisang is not going to cut his hand right off, so then...

Hesitantly, McGillis will give his hand, eyes full of questions. ]

[ Thankfully Huaisang is not going to do something that makes this situation go out of hand.

He takes the blond's hands within both of his, which are comparatively smaller. As he does, he recalls when he first held it in a dance, when his own hands wrapped a scarf around McGillis' shoulders after he'd been out in the cold long, and when McGillis held him. He also thinks of just a few moments ago when they weren't at their best, when Huaisang slapped him, and McGillis' hand was on his wrist in a tight grip. ]

I asked because I mostly just wanted to hold your hand again. [ Everyone can judge him for this, it's fine, but he does let go right after. ] I also recognize that things are changed between us, but...

I still...want to be able to talk to you through the rest of this even besides when we'll need to work together, as I imagine we will, and then say our goodbyes when this ends. We haven't known each other long enough that I don't think I can ask for anything else, as we have different places to be. But, if I had the chance under better circumstances...I would.

[ It doesn't mean he's happy about what happened. Not by a longshot. He'll pause for a moment, drawing away a bit further to see if McGillis has anything to say, before he begins to head to the door. ]

Edited 2021-07-13 01:47 (UTC)

[ For the whole time Huaisang speaks, McGillis just stares at him, searching for something within his expression that is righteous rejection and it doesn't come. Huaisang's hands are soft and warm and so much smaller than his own... and still, Huaisang is holding on to him, regardless of the facts.

You're such a fool, McGillis thinks, but then... maybe the fool is himself, who has gone out of his way this whole game to not hurt Huaisang even if there was nothing to gain.

He'll reward honesty with complete honesty here, because it's late at night, because he's drunk, because there's nothing to lose. ]

... friendship or love mean little to me. I don't hold any softness in my heart. I've never had that luxury.

I've started my life lower than you might imagine and I've done worse than what you've seen here. I am a stubborn, solitary man, and the only emotion I truly know is anger.

I've wished you were a little more ruthless, a little more hateful, a little more like me....

[ He trails off for a moment because he truly should have learned his lesson at home already, should have understood that he will only ever be able to be alone... but this place, this stupid game, he didn't have to be lonely here. Jack and Hamelin, people he didn't have to hide with, for the first time... and Huaisang, who McGillis wishes were a worse person, just so he could do the same with him and still enjoy that hard fought for kindness. Pipe dreams, all of that. ]

... I'm willing to give you all that you want to take from me until this is over. If you want it, even knowing the truth of myself, come and claim it. For the climax of the story, for as long as the story lasts.

Edited 2021-07-13 12:05 (UTC)

[ Huaisang's breath catches in his throat, when he hears the blond-haired man speak, causing his feet to become rooted in his spot, rather than do anything else as he thought he might when the other first opened his mouth.

It's enough for him to feel like the ground is unraveling at his feet. It feels like they're similar in ways, but as it is, still different. And he thinks that is for the best. ]

...For a long time, all I knew was hatred, and all I ever wanted was vengeance. And then...I succeeded. I was satisfied, but, being like that for so long was never something I really desired.

Even so, I couldn't imagine anyone would understand. And even if they did, how would that benefit me? When you saw through me as I was just trying to play it off, I really couldn't believe you or anyone would consider that part of me as something worthy of praise, and I was afraid.

[ ...He'll take few more steps forward once again. Maybe it's ill-advised when it has been a long day and their heads may be in a strange place, but they both still know what they're doing. At least, Huaisang is sure of that. ]

Still, I think I always knew, despite feeling continuously drawn to you, that you weren't a man who loved easily, or at all. Even so, I can say that every single part of you that I've seen...I've come to cherish deeply, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. But in return, I will give to you all that I can. It's only fair, isn't it? Until the end, of course.

Only someone else who has known hatred, only someone else who has turned himself into a weapon in order to move others...

[ McGillis finds himself trailing off, incapable of finding the words to describe what such a person would mean to him. He'd tried finding companionship in Tekkadan, based on poverty and rage against the system, and he'd found nothing but more isolation in it. But this, maybe this time...

I'm a weaker man than I thought. ]

I don't know what it is like to feel something else but this hunger for hatred. Maybe when I obtain my wish, when I change my world, when I have enough power... Maybe I, too, will be satisfied.

[ He has to believe in that or else, what has he been alive for all these years? ]

Huaisang...

[ They're closer together again, maybe too close. Close enough that it is easy to reach up and run his hand through long black hair. ]

I've been courted by too many people already, but yours was the most charming by far.

[ And he'll kiss the hair, half dizzy with something different than alcohol. An indulgence, because he's been allowed to take and he is greedy. ]

It was the first time I had fun with it.

[ He wonders if McGillis will feel satisfied after he's done...but he already knows from personal experience that once you start on the path, all there is left to do is just finish it. Of course, this is from an extremely biased source as that is how he felt about when he set about to take his revenge. He does know, however, that continuing to remain alone isn't a good thing. ]

I want to believe you will be. And then have a chance to look past that.

[ He'll close his eyes for a bit, allowing the hand to run gently through his hair, feeling a soft and pleasant warmth come to his cheeks. Once he leans forward enough to manage the kiss atop his hair, Huaisang will open his eyes, and reach with his hands so that he can for a moment embrace the blond like he's always wanted to. ]

...I'm happy you did. I've never really had much experience in courting anyone seriously in my life. But, I did want to try, and give it my best. I wasn't taught to be a quitter, after all.

[ ... oh. Oh, that is more comfortable than it has any right to be. McGillis melts into the hold and after a moment of hesitation wraps his own arms around Huaisang. ]

It was a little clumsy at times, but that was for the best, really. More endearing that way. It felt genuine.

[ And that is the one thing all the approaches other people have made on him lacked. Even Carta, for all intents and purposes one of his best friends... even she would surround herself with other blonde men to cope with his rejection, proving that in the end he'll always be a replaceable body to everybody else.

For Huaisang to still hold onto him after all the mess of today... McGillis doesn't know if he is lucky for it or if he's about to be cursed. ]

Why haven't you? You're beautiful and of high status, it could have been easy for you.

[ Huaisang feels those arms around him, and he feels himself relax easily.

He's smiling a little himself. It really is his first time attempting to court anyone...and he's happy to know that wasn't a complete and total disaster. Even though at times he probably could've done better, but he enjoyed not being calculated in something he went about. ]

I'd say you're going to make me blush, but you've already done well in achieving that.

[ Though his follow-up question made him laugh a little. It's soft, not really mocking at all as he's content to let himself linger in the embrace. Far too warm to want to even think of daring to leave McGillis' own arms. He can also tell he was still smiling himself, feeling the blush on his cheeks burn.

Yes, he's beautiful but ... he's happy to hear it said to his face. ]

...I never had any much interest in courting just anyone. It's a little embarrassing, but I've always been a bit of a romantic, and though I certainly enjoyed looking, I couldn't just start without being sure I'd actually like the person in the first place. Though it's also true that during a certain period I felt too occupied to focus on pursuing anyone.

... and then you wound up with one of the more duplicitous men you could find in the realm of mutual killing.

[ That probably does not say good things about Huaisang's taste, but who is McGillis to complain about such a state of affairs? He could have easily dismissed Huaisang's advances had he rejected him now, with his secrets in the open, and it would have gone down in his memory as a pleasant but ultimately inconsequential period of flirting. He is quite used to being liked for what he projects only - it's not like he ever gives people the chance to want to be with him for the sake of his truest self.

But now he's being held and until the end of the story, maybe it's fine to explore a dream he's never wanted to dream in the first place. ]

Well, I suppose it is also a romantic cliché to try and wrap the dark hero who's never felt love around your finger... I'm not going to be conquered by such things, I'm afraid, but I am fond of you.

Yes, I did, didn't I?

[ It's a funny thought, really. But also, as far as he's concerned, things could have been certainly worse, and he'll let those thoughts fade away as the other man continues speaking.

There's a moment where he just blinks, but then soon feels a certain kind of amusement come over him. ]

...I don't think I'd imagined that until you brought it up, but I'll keep it in mind. [ It was absolute a good opening for a tease, as far as he's concerned. ] I'll also take the fact that you are so fond of me as a point in my favor.

[ He'll move his hands from around McGillis, shifting back a bit and move his hands to his shoulders - he also most certainly had to be on the bed with his knees now to even be able to manage that hug earlier. Then he shifted the angulation of his current position so be can dare to lightly and briefly kiss the man before him. There was a big height difference to account for, but given the their respective positions, it probably worked out just fine. ]

[ A breeze of a kiss in stark contrast to the slap that he can still feel burning on his cheek. One could not have existed without the other. Even McGillis himself would not have accepted this indulgence if they hadn't acknowledged the reality of anger beforehand.

McGillis remains silent for a moment. There is little difference between them, Huaisang's long flowing robes and hair seem to fill most of his vision here. A lover with a deadline, a romance until the end of the ball... Not the worst idea either of them ever had but certainly nowhere close to the best either. ]

That confidence looks good on you.

[ And then McGillis pulls him back down into another kiss that is neither brief nor hesitant. He tastes of wine and bad decisions, but Huaisang has willfully brought himself into the den of this lion and that knowledge is the most precious of all. ]

Ah, I wonder what else you may think would?

[ Words he'll mutter before he will allow himself to be drawn into the kiss, feeling himself sink deeper into it. The taste of wine is almost sweet to him, and he can't feel himself truly regretting his decision. A part of him does for a moment entertain a scenario where they're together for much longer than this, that somehow someway they end up together beyond what they've said.

Huaisang finally pulls away after having that taste, after being so enthusiastically receiving to even properly engage in that indulgent moment which was created. There's easily a dark blush covering his cheeks as a result of this and he'll move to have his head back to resting against McGillis to catch his breath, but he'll also close his eyes for a little bit. ]

... dangerous questions.

[ .. .whispers McGillis and does not elaborate at all, because it is a lot better to just enjoy the view and bask in the intimacy of this hold. His head is still spinning a little trying to process the events of the day between loss and gain and everything else, but between all the cynical thoughts he's been having something like relief and content finally begins setting in.

He's alive, he will stay alive, and Huaisang has not really forgiven him, which is for the best, but he's still right here. And McGillis means it, he'll give into his romantic whims and play at being lovers until Huaisang is entirely satisfied. Until the game is over. ]

[ So to that, Huaisang doesn't say anything, because he's right. So maybe it's no longer the time to think too hard about this or anything.

He'll just be content to enjoy this, for however long this lasts.

...And he might nod off for a bit because he got too comfortable, so hey. Have fun with that, McGillis! ]

the final afterparty

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aannnd a wrap